Dreams

Well, I decided to do another blog today because it has been a very hard day for me, once again. It seems when I blog, it helps to release some of these horrible emotions and thoughts that bounce around in my head. Things have been getting hard again and I'm becoming negative toward our situation again. Sigh. I work very hard to stay positive, but after 6 long years of this fight, I am growing very tired and weary. I actually am starting to lose faith...of all things! Not a good sign for someone like me, that has focused on my faith the past 6 years to prevent me spiraling into a very dark place. I am holding onto that ledge with all my might but those head games are starting to set in again. Those fingers are getting weaker by the day of holding onto that ledge with a death grip. Maybe, having a baby just isn't going to happen for us? Maybe adoption is the right thing to do? I am not against adoption one bit and actually have considered it very seriously multiple times but to have that beautiful connection with your baby in your womb....so special! Just to experience pregnancy once, would be such a blessing and an answered prayer to me. I dream of Nick talking to my belly and the planning involved for that precious gift of life. I dream of that look on my husbands face when I reveal the most exciting news and precious music to his ears. He has wanted a child for so long, it would be a complete life knocking blow for it not to happen. It actually already has been a really bad blow to both of us. Six years is ridiculous. I'm losing that hope and almost wanting to just give up completely, because mentally, I don't know how much more I can take. I am at the brink of madness.
What do those couples do that just never have a child? How do they continue with life? What is their purpose in life? What do they live for? Work for? I work hard so when I do have a child, they will have a good life. I want things to be as easy as possible for us when we have a child, so I'm working hard now to ensure that happens. But at what cost? It's driving me insane. The unknown is horrid. Not knowing if you will ever be able to do what you are "supposed" to do, is so frightening. What was I put on this Earth for? I have had the dream of motherhood since I was a tiny girl. Why take that away from me? What did I do and how can I fix this? Will it ever happen? Are these doctor appointments just a waste of our time and money and hopes and dreams?
I may be young but with premature ovarian failure, my time is very limited. We don't know how long my eggs will be viable. So yes, I am only 25 but my female parts aren't so much unfortunately. It's a triple blow to your heart when you find out you have Endometriosis, Premature Ovarian Failure and PCOS. Wow! Thanks alot, appreciate that. The pressures of infertility are awful and so overwhelming. It makes me feel like a failure and the worst part, it is completely out of my control. It's one thing to be a failure and it be your own fault, because you always have time to turn that around and fix it. This, not quite the case. I am fighting so hard to hold onto that faith and hope, but it almost seems less stressful if I just drop it all together and forget it. For us to just drop all of this and go toward adoption would be so much easier....in a sense...but adoption is never easy either! Adoption requires so much time and work. Our problem, is the time issue. Between mine and Nick's schedule, getting everything together and going to all of the classes are almost impossible. We still need CPR classes and our first aid certification. We still have so much left to do. I'm so exhausted. Things just are not seeming very fair at all right now. Please pray for us because things are getting very difficult for us. Nick won't talk about it, which only makes it worse for me. It cuts even deeper because I can't talk about how I'm feeling but when he shuts down, I know he's hurting at his worst. To know my husband is hurting like that, is killing me inside.