Maybe, hopefully, eventually

Lately, I have been worried about whether I will start or not. I have been praying, every month, for some special news. I know I just had to surgery in May to even be able to make fertility a possibility, but now that I know it is possible, my mind is really messing with me. It seems to have put me more on edge because I pray for it so much, now that I know it can become a reality for us.

I know a woman can take a pregnancy test 5 days before her actual menstrual, but I refuse to put myself through those negative tests again. Nick and I went through many negative tests, crying scenes, and blaming myself for 2 years before I came to the conclusion; it just wasn’t going to happen for us. After two years of taking pregnancy tests each month while saying a prayer with my entire being, whether I thought we were pregnant or not, drove me insane. It is what threw me into years of depression. I started eating uncontrollably and stopped caring about many things. I shut myself off from the world in so many ways. That was also the time we decided to move to Virginia for a new start. In reality, we were only running from our problems. I know that now and I think I knew that then too. Unfortunately, I fell into a deeper depression in Virginia. I gained around 30 or 50 more pounds, didn’t want to get out of bed and honestly many times, didn’t want to wake up. I had lost all hope.

It was definitely the most depressing time of my life. I was 19 hours away from my support system, my family. We only had each other at that time, but it was also a learning experience for Nick and me. We learned how to lean on each other more and keep each other company. We also mourned the loss of our fur baby Isabelle together, which brought us closer. We decided toward the end of our lease, it was time to move back to Arkansas. No matter what it took to get us back, we didn’t care. We were ready to tackle anything, to get us back home with our family. Then Nick got a call from a school mate and was offered a job in Conway. We didn’t know anything about Conway, but it was closer to family! We would make it work and we did.

I do believe God had a plan when he put us in Conway. Moving to Conway was how I got into contact with my Gynecologist and then my specialist Dr. B. Dr. B is very quick of wit and very thorough. I have faith in him but I am still scared of failure. After 6 years of the same results, I am afraid to get my hopes up because I don’t want to mentally go crashing into a brick wall again. I don’t know if I can handle that again. I know I don’t want to.

It amazes me how fear can paralyze a person. I was working out on my lunch today and the fear hit me. I was having a hard time mustering up the strength to work out on the bike, which weakness is normal a few days before my menstrual. I get really weak and tired. My limbs get weak and can’t seem to do the resistance and strength training that my body is used to. When I started feeling the weakness coming, panic set in. Thoughts started swarming in. Am I about to start? Please no. Please bless mine and Nick’s dream after all these years. Please don’t make me go through this another month. I guess until we get confirmation of whichever happens, I can still hope and pray for that precious bundle of joy and keep faith that it will eventually happen.