Dreams

Well, I decided to do another blog today because it has been a very hard day for me, once again. It seems when I blog, it helps to release some of these horrible emotions and thoughts that bounce around in my head. Things have been getting hard again and I'm becoming negative toward our situation again. Sigh. I work very hard to stay positive, but after 6 long years of this fight, I am growing very tired and weary. I actually am starting to lose faith...of all things! Not a good sign for someone like me, that has focused on my faith the past 6 years to prevent me spiraling into a very dark place. I am holding onto that ledge with all my might but those head games are starting to set in again. Those fingers are getting weaker by the day of holding onto that ledge with a death grip. Maybe, having a baby just isn't going to happen for us? Maybe adoption is the right thing to do? I am not against adoption one bit and actually have considered it very seriously multiple times but to have that beautiful connection with your baby in your womb....so special! Just to experience pregnancy once, would be such a blessing and an answered prayer to me. I dream of Nick talking to my belly and the planning involved for that precious gift of life. I dream of that look on my husbands face when I reveal the most exciting news and precious music to his ears. He has wanted a child for so long, it would be a complete life knocking blow for it not to happen. It actually already has been a really bad blow to both of us. Six years is ridiculous. I'm losing that hope and almost wanting to just give up completely, because mentally, I don't know how much more I can take. I am at the brink of madness.
What do those couples do that just never have a child? How do they continue with life? What is their purpose in life? What do they live for? Work for? I work hard so when I do have a child, they will have a good life. I want things to be as easy as possible for us when we have a child, so I'm working hard now to ensure that happens. But at what cost? It's driving me insane. The unknown is horrid. Not knowing if you will ever be able to do what you are "supposed" to do, is so frightening. What was I put on this Earth for? I have had the dream of motherhood since I was a tiny girl. Why take that away from me? What did I do and how can I fix this? Will it ever happen? Are these doctor appointments just a waste of our time and money and hopes and dreams?
I may be young but with premature ovarian failure, my time is very limited. We don't know how long my eggs will be viable. So yes, I am only 25 but my female parts aren't so much unfortunately. It's a triple blow to your heart when you find out you have Endometriosis, Premature Ovarian Failure and PCOS. Wow! Thanks alot, appreciate that. The pressures of infertility are awful and so overwhelming. It makes me feel like a failure and the worst part, it is completely out of my control. It's one thing to be a failure and it be your own fault, because you always have time to turn that around and fix it. This, not quite the case. I am fighting so hard to hold onto that faith and hope, but it almost seems less stressful if I just drop it all together and forget it. For us to just drop all of this and go toward adoption would be so much easier....in a sense...but adoption is never easy either! Adoption requires so much time and work. Our problem, is the time issue. Between mine and Nick's schedule, getting everything together and going to all of the classes are almost impossible. We still need CPR classes and our first aid certification. We still have so much left to do. I'm so exhausted. Things just are not seeming very fair at all right now. Please pray for us because things are getting very difficult for us. Nick won't talk about it, which only makes it worse for me. It cuts even deeper because I can't talk about how I'm feeling but when he shuts down, I know he's hurting at his worst. To know my husband is hurting like that, is killing me inside.

Maybe, hopefully, eventually

Lately, I have been worried about whether I will start or not. I have been praying, every month, for some special news. I know I just had to surgery in May to even be able to make fertility a possibility, but now that I know it is possible, my mind is really messing with me. It seems to have put me more on edge because I pray for it so much, now that I know it can become a reality for us.

I know a woman can take a pregnancy test 5 days before her actual menstrual, but I refuse to put myself through those negative tests again. Nick and I went through many negative tests, crying scenes, and blaming myself for 2 years before I came to the conclusion; it just wasn’t going to happen for us. After two years of taking pregnancy tests each month while saying a prayer with my entire being, whether I thought we were pregnant or not, drove me insane. It is what threw me into years of depression. I started eating uncontrollably and stopped caring about many things. I shut myself off from the world in so many ways. That was also the time we decided to move to Virginia for a new start. In reality, we were only running from our problems. I know that now and I think I knew that then too. Unfortunately, I fell into a deeper depression in Virginia. I gained around 30 or 50 more pounds, didn’t want to get out of bed and honestly many times, didn’t want to wake up. I had lost all hope.

It was definitely the most depressing time of my life. I was 19 hours away from my support system, my family. We only had each other at that time, but it was also a learning experience for Nick and me. We learned how to lean on each other more and keep each other company. We also mourned the loss of our fur baby Isabelle together, which brought us closer. We decided toward the end of our lease, it was time to move back to Arkansas. No matter what it took to get us back, we didn’t care. We were ready to tackle anything, to get us back home with our family. Then Nick got a call from a school mate and was offered a job in Conway. We didn’t know anything about Conway, but it was closer to family! We would make it work and we did.

I do believe God had a plan when he put us in Conway. Moving to Conway was how I got into contact with my Gynecologist and then my specialist Dr. B. Dr. B is very quick of wit and very thorough. I have faith in him but I am still scared of failure. After 6 years of the same results, I am afraid to get my hopes up because I don’t want to mentally go crashing into a brick wall again. I don’t know if I can handle that again. I know I don’t want to.

It amazes me how fear can paralyze a person. I was working out on my lunch today and the fear hit me. I was having a hard time mustering up the strength to work out on the bike, which weakness is normal a few days before my menstrual. I get really weak and tired. My limbs get weak and can’t seem to do the resistance and strength training that my body is used to. When I started feeling the weakness coming, panic set in. Thoughts started swarming in. Am I about to start? Please no. Please bless mine and Nick’s dream after all these years. Please don’t make me go through this another month. I guess until we get confirmation of whichever happens, I can still hope and pray for that precious bundle of joy and keep faith that it will eventually happen.

Hope? What is hope? It can be said hope is a thing in which expectations are centered. Our hope is centered on...having a baby. My husband and I have dealt with infertility since we married in April, 2007...6 long hard years but also very educational years. Infertility has been a very touchy subject for me. I try not to talk about, I try to keep it bottled in; however, today was a breaking point for me. Nothing substantial happened...it was just "one of those days." It seems, I have had a few of those lately. My Saturday started with driving to the Dr. office to get blood drawn, (an occurrence that happens often now); however, I expected an ultrasound or something, hoping for immediate results. It's a Saturday....no such luck. I left upset because I had driven 30 miles to have blood drawn, when I could have simply driven 10; had I known that I could. I woke up and already knew, it would be an emotional day; it is every single time I go to that office. My brain doesn't like being reminded, that there really is something wrong. I don't like being reminded that I can not have a baby without help. I hate the pressures of infertility. I also hate the questions: "Why don't you have children?", especially when I say how long we have been married. I also hate the phrases: "It will happen." "I can't wait till y'all have kids." "Your still young." "You still have plenty of time." Who says, we are promised tomorrow? How do we know we have plenty of time? I may be young, but I don't have forever! Being a mother has been a life long dream, as long as I can remember. I'll admit my attitude isn't always the best regarding this matter, but I am only human right? 1 in 6 couples experience infertility, but also the pressures and emotions that are connected with infertility. Many suffer from depression or anxiety from this. It's a relief but also saddens me greatly to know, many more people are out there experiencing the exact same things I am. If people really tried to relate, there would be less insensitivity toward the subject. There are many times, I feel people just don't "get it." They don't understand or care to understand. This has been the largest mountain, we have been trying to get over.
I don't want pity, but I want understanding and prayers! Please, lots of prayers. There are days I am just emotional drained and exhausted. Days, I feel like I can't go on. I do because of the Faith I am keeping in God. As a human, even that is tested sometimes; as much as I hate to admit it. Seeing parents with children, that don't need to be parents or don't take care of them as needed, is something very hard for me to bare. Mom always told me, "Life isn't fair." I never really understood the concept of that, until this.
I have always known something was wrong, since I was a teenager. I knew the pain I endured, was not normal. I told doctor after doctor, but no one listened to me. Finally, after we moved to Conway, a friend referred me to Dr. H. I think God had a plan when he placed us in Conway. My first visit, I explained my symptoms and while explaining these symptoms, my new Dr. was sitting there nodding her head. She already knew. She ran blood tests and confirmed my levels were extremely low. She was getting ready to refer me to the Arkansas Fertility and Gynecology Clinic in Little Rock, when Nick lost his job and insurance. This put everything on hold, once again, for 2 years. However, those 2 years not going to the doctor or even worrying about it, since it made no sense to, were some of best. I lost 80 pounds, loved my job, made great friends and my marriage was soaring to new heights. I also found a relationship with God. Life was great, then the anxiety came back. I started thinking, I needed to make that appointment.
After my appointment and tests with Dr. H, her nurse called to say, I needed to go to the clinic in Little Rock because they believed I had endometriosis. I cried and asked if I had to? Could she not be the one who helped me? The nurse told me, I would have better luck with the clinic and they would be more thorough, if surgery was necessary. I was scared out of my wits. Worried to death. I am a bit of an over worrier anyway. I started asking myself, "Will insurance cover this?" "How much will this cost us?" "Can we do this?" I went ahead and laid my hope and faith in God and "went with it." The nurse called me back with my appointment with Dr. B. I was at peace with that decision and the ratings he had. That peace was even more confirmed, once we met with him and I seen the kind of man he is. He was kind, smart, quick of wit, and thorough. I liked him.
The testing began. We started out with ultrasounds and blood work. First appointment, he asked me a series of questions. After that, he told us he suspected endometriosis but also Premature Ovarian Failure. Never heard of it and you've got to be kidding me! My emotions went crazy. I was beside myself. Could this really be happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? Just my luck. Yes, I tend to be negative, but who isn't initially when they receive that kind of news? Nick and I headed home and I balled my eyes out. I had a horrible time making myself go back to work that day. I just wanted to go home and go to bed. Each doctor visit after that, I would get in the car and just cry. Which is exactly what I expected today, as well.
Finally, he scheduled x-rays to check my tubes. Mom came down and took me because I was scared to death. I had been told it hurt and some other gory details...which ended up to be true for the most part. However, that was the first day my Dr. smiled at me and said it was "hopeful." Mom and I were ecstatic! It looked good but surgery was needed. My nurse also walked me out and hugged me and told me, I had the best Dr. out there and explained she had been through the same thing. I will never forget her. I could tell, she had a big heart and passion for her profession. She gave me comfort and held my hand through all of it. Mom was right there by my side holding my shoulder and rubbing my forehead, such a comfort for such an uncertain time. We were so thrilled from the news, we celebrated lunch at Red Lobster laughing and crying together. I felt hope.
Later that month, Mom came back down for my scheduled surgery and I was very nervous. I prayed to God and asked Jesus to be right there with me. As soon as I laid on the hospital bed and finished my prayer, I was at complete peace. I knew God would take care of me. I had hope. Mom and Nick came in there and kissed me bye and seen me on my way to the operating room. I only remember, switching to a freezing metal table, saying something and all of the staff laughing at me. I still have no clue what I said, that was funny. Anesthesia gets the best of me....I am a little bit of a light weight with that stuff. I only remember waking up back in my area, and telling the nurse, "pain." My throat was dry and sore from the tube and oxygen. My stomach and uterus felt like they had been ripped out and my nurse wasn't exactly the most compassionate. She actually had me sorely frustrated before we finally got to leave 9 hours from arrival time. Only 1 or 2 hours waiting and then a 2 1/2 hour surgery. My problem was, I couldn't use the bathroom on my own! I was too swelled up. I felt and looked like I was 7 months pregnant. Finally, after fighting with my nurse, which seemed to last forever, she agreed to let me go home since Mom could remove the catheter the next day. That wasn't fun! I had never had one and hope I don't again but probably no such luck.
It took me a while to recoup. I was off work for a week and a half because I still felt drunk from the anesthesia and my stomach was still really sore. We also found out I had not only endometriosis, premature ovarian failure, but also poly-cystic ovarian syndrome. That would explain why I always felt like something wasn't right. Even with all of that, Doc said there was still hope! It's been two months of hormone therapy and having a few of "those days," but I am still keeping that hope and faith. It still gets tested...like today, but I refuse to succumb to those hopeless feelings. I choose to keep trucking along and praying to God. As Nick said today, "Our chances are better than ever." I didn't really look at it that way but after that, I did. God really did know what he was doing when he placed Nick in my life at the age of 15. I was young but I knew he was a good man. I seen something no one else had seen....yet. Ten years later, I believe everyone can see what I seen. This fight of infertility together has put no doubt in my mind, that God has a plan for us two together. When Nick loses hope, I bring it back and when I lose hope, Nick puts things back into perspective. This is why we will never lose hope, because we have each other and we are putting our hope and faith solely into the Lord.